Who am I when there is no one around? I know who I want to be, My goals and aspirations...
I also know well the anxiety I feel when I don't see that person in myself.
there are many times when I want to ( and have in the past), scream out "why God ?! Why me ?!" Wheather it is the "me" of 15, 18, or 30, there I am; wondering," Why can't I be the person I want to be?! ".
Then I realized that I am trying to re-program myself, if you will. God has already decided who I am. All I have to do, is let the master artist create, and I know that the final result is going to be a person I thought I could never become, results I could not now comprehend!
Unfortunatly I also realised that the path to becoming this person is filled with canyons and deserts. But I am not alone, He IS there, Jesus, encouraging me, giving me what I will need to endure whatever waits ahead of me;giving me the tools and weapons to fight for my life.
I remember being 15, and going to the youthgroup my brother David used to take us to . I remember singing a song that is still one of my favorites. Everytime I sang it, I made it THE prayer of my heart..." Mold me and Make me, please make me like you". I meant those words with everything i was. I was beyond desperate for God. I kept hearing about how God is so gracious and loving. but I couldn't feel him, or see him in my 15 yr old life, anywhere. I used to scream out at Him with enexplainable anguish, " Where are You?!!!" All around me was such utter darkness and lonliness I was convinced that God just couldn't be anywhere near me.
What I didn't know was that He was there, behind the scenes, working, even when I couldn't see Him.That is, Until I made the choice to tear my wall down. As He went through each heartbreak along with me,He WAS molding me and shaping me, for He knows who I am, even when I do not.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Do I ?
I was asked once," How did you come to that point?" Refering to a passage in the poem I wrote called," my story". the passage reads, now I wholly surrender and am freely broken.
the answer to that question is simply two words. Trust and Faith. Do I trust my God? Do I have the faith He intended me to have?
To say yes would be a no-brainer. But I am searching deep here... Do I trust Him with my marriage, to be the one who makes the decisions? Do I trust Him with my Children? As hard as it is for me to say it, I know they are not mine, but His given to me to raise for Him. Do I trust HIm with my heart? Not just the one on the surface, during happy times. But the part of my heart that I have boarded up, built a brick wall around,and have tried with all that I am to forget about because even the painful aknowledgement that it exists takes my breath away.
What is Trust then? We throw that word around every day, but what does it mean?
Trust is the trait of believing in the honesty and reliability of others: complete confidence.
If I can't trust Christ with all of these areas of my life, than I am saying that I know better He, who holds the whole world in His hands.
How do you find trust, though, when nothing has ever been how it was supposed to be, and that heavy ache has become a constant companion, even to the point that those closest to you can't even see through the mask you made ?
You have Faith ! Faith is more that just believing, it is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we can not see. Heb 11
Through faith my relationship with my reedmer has grown, and will grow even more.
In times when the darkness around me was so great that I couldn't even see my hand in front of my own face, and my faith was hard to find; At these times of lonliness, I cried out through the pain, and prayed that God would give me the kind of faith that He intended me to have, when He created me.
I yearned for the relationship that He wanted, and if I had to go through hardships and trials to get there, I just said," tho you slay me, yet will I trust in you".
I now envision standing at a cliff high in the mountains, with my toes right on the edge... then slowly relaxing to the point of allowing myself to fall forward. I am free of all fear, all worry,all control,and I have the freedom to just let go, and soar on His breathe.
the answer to that question is simply two words. Trust and Faith. Do I trust my God? Do I have the faith He intended me to have?
To say yes would be a no-brainer. But I am searching deep here... Do I trust Him with my marriage, to be the one who makes the decisions? Do I trust Him with my Children? As hard as it is for me to say it, I know they are not mine, but His given to me to raise for Him. Do I trust HIm with my heart? Not just the one on the surface, during happy times. But the part of my heart that I have boarded up, built a brick wall around,and have tried with all that I am to forget about because even the painful aknowledgement that it exists takes my breath away.
What is Trust then? We throw that word around every day, but what does it mean?
Trust is the trait of believing in the honesty and reliability of others: complete confidence.
If I can't trust Christ with all of these areas of my life, than I am saying that I know better He, who holds the whole world in His hands.
How do you find trust, though, when nothing has ever been how it was supposed to be, and that heavy ache has become a constant companion, even to the point that those closest to you can't even see through the mask you made ?
You have Faith ! Faith is more that just believing, it is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we can not see. Heb 11
Through faith my relationship with my reedmer has grown, and will grow even more.
In times when the darkness around me was so great that I couldn't even see my hand in front of my own face, and my faith was hard to find; At these times of lonliness, I cried out through the pain, and prayed that God would give me the kind of faith that He intended me to have, when He created me.
I yearned for the relationship that He wanted, and if I had to go through hardships and trials to get there, I just said," tho you slay me, yet will I trust in you".
I now envision standing at a cliff high in the mountains, with my toes right on the edge... then slowly relaxing to the point of allowing myself to fall forward. I am free of all fear, all worry,all control,and I have the freedom to just let go, and soar on His breathe.
Break free
Are you desperate for peace? Longing to be free of that suffocationg ache that constantly follows you ?
You have to be broken. What I mean by this, is freely, no matter what you may fear the outcome may be; tear that wall down. Just writing this, my chest tightens, and my heart pounds, remembering my own captivating walls.
Brick by brick, this wall was slowly killing me. Drowning is really how I felt; with people all around me, going about their own lives, as if I wasn't right there, drifting away.But I put that wall up. I built it myself. With every hurt,betrayal, and abandonment. One brick here, maybe three or four there.
You have to be broken. What I mean by this, is freely, no matter what you may fear the outcome may be; tear that wall down. Just writing this, my chest tightens, and my heart pounds, remembering my own captivating walls.
Brick by brick, this wall was slowly killing me. Drowning is really how I felt; with people all around me, going about their own lives, as if I wasn't right there, drifting away.But I put that wall up. I built it myself. With every hurt,betrayal, and abandonment. One brick here, maybe three or four there.
Protection from everything!What I didn't know was that with every layer, I was hiding myself from everything, including myself. I didn't know who I was. I was told so, from so many directions, both physically and spiritually, so brick by brick the wall was built.That was untill I could take the suffocationg no longer.
It started with one move; I reached up, as far as I could. The bricks started to crumble. It didn't fall as jericho did, but with each time that I cried out, each time I gave control over to Christ, a brick fell.... But it wasn't until I said, " ok, God. Do what you need to do... No matter what! I am freely broken, and I wholly surrender! ", than, at last, the walls laid in rubble at my feet, and I heard a voice, calling my name, reminding me who i am. I then realized that I wasn't the only one pulling down the bricks. As I was trapped in my pain, Christ was there, on the other side; chizeling,pulling, prying, but it was my ultimate surrender, that broke me out of my prison.
Through the unfailing love of our Redeemer, we have the abililty to break through the walls . Each of our walls are different, they were built with different bricks. But they will come down the same way... Just reach up and break free!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
perseverance
What are the characteristics that you know to make parents proud? Now, Im not talking about the earthly characteristics which are selfish. Think about it, Honesty, kindness, courage... Now how about this; God is your father.
Beyond unsurpassing,unconditional love, what characteristics does He long to see us posses?
In Matt 5:3-12 we are blessed to have certain traits.
3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
There are many here I strive to achieve. There is also one word that popes out at me when I read this these passages.Though it is not listed specifically, I truly believe that with out this one word, none of the listed attributes could be abtained. What is it that I see? Perseverance!
Without perseverance, we would not know what it is to live through darkness, to survive uncountable moments of loneliness and heartbreak. Without perseverance we will not be filled with the light of Christ which passes through every fiber of out being to saturate our emptiness.
So I guess, that out of any and all characteristics I pray my children inherate from me, may they understand how to persevere.
Beyond unsurpassing,unconditional love, what characteristics does He long to see us posses?
In Matt 5:3-12 we are blessed to have certain traits.
3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Without perseverance, we would not know what it is to live through darkness, to survive uncountable moments of loneliness and heartbreak. Without perseverance we will not be filled with the light of Christ which passes through every fiber of out being to saturate our emptiness.
So I guess, that out of any and all characteristics I pray my children inherate from me, may they understand how to persevere.
Simplify
I am discovering That I so very much love the word, " simplify" not just the way it looks as art, but the meaning of it.
When I walk into a room that has been "simplified", I am at peace, I can think clearly, and I just feel calm.
I was just now cleaning my kitchen, after being gone a couple of days followed by getting sick. As it all started to clear, and MY kitchen started to emerge out from underneath the chaotic clutter of daily living mixed into the hurricane that happens when mom gets sick and no one picks up after him/herself; I had what my mom calls a,"lightbulb" moment... Except I had so many realizations at once, it was more like a flood light!
I like my house a certain way. I go to great lengths to make it cute. Every piece of furniture or decor in our home tells a little bit of a story. My home is an expression of who I am, you might say. I love my home,( mind you, not necessarily the building).My family and life that Marc and I have created together. We could live in any house( and have lived in many ), But each one becomes what we make of it.
Because I love our home, I try to take care of it the best I can. I have discovered how when I keep things simple; not perfect,( I have three kids, and a ton of pets),but neat, and simple, the atmosphere changes. I can almost breathe easier. This change I see not just in myself, but my husband,and my children, thus effecting the whole house.
Now, think for a moment about our inside home. The part of us who is known by only ourselves and God.
Shouldn't we care as much, if not more about the condition of our "inside home"?
Wouldn't it be nice to be free of the clutter and chaos and the junk that we don't really want anymore, but just haven't given it to goodwill?
Maybe its time we pay attention to the closets, drawers and stash places in our hearts.
Im talking about going beyond the daily upkeep of dishes, and laundry. Beyond the hum-drum of daily life. God did not design us to be chaotic cluttered messes. He designed us to be free, through our relationship with Him.
Maybe its time to just simply, Simplify.
When I walk into a room that has been "simplified", I am at peace, I can think clearly, and I just feel calm.
I was just now cleaning my kitchen, after being gone a couple of days followed by getting sick. As it all started to clear, and MY kitchen started to emerge out from underneath the chaotic clutter of daily living mixed into the hurricane that happens when mom gets sick and no one picks up after him/herself; I had what my mom calls a,"lightbulb" moment... Except I had so many realizations at once, it was more like a flood light!
I like my house a certain way. I go to great lengths to make it cute. Every piece of furniture or decor in our home tells a little bit of a story. My home is an expression of who I am, you might say. I love my home,( mind you, not necessarily the building).My family and life that Marc and I have created together. We could live in any house( and have lived in many ), But each one becomes what we make of it.
Because I love our home, I try to take care of it the best I can. I have discovered how when I keep things simple; not perfect,( I have three kids, and a ton of pets),but neat, and simple, the atmosphere changes. I can almost breathe easier. This change I see not just in myself, but my husband,and my children, thus effecting the whole house.
Now, think for a moment about our inside home. The part of us who is known by only ourselves and God.
Shouldn't we care as much, if not more about the condition of our "inside home"?
Wouldn't it be nice to be free of the clutter and chaos and the junk that we don't really want anymore, but just haven't given it to goodwill?
Maybe its time we pay attention to the closets, drawers and stash places in our hearts.
Im talking about going beyond the daily upkeep of dishes, and laundry. Beyond the hum-drum of daily life. God did not design us to be chaotic cluttered messes. He designed us to be free, through our relationship with Him.
Maybe its time to just simply, Simplify.
my story
I really feel like this is the begining of something,this place in our life. Not just our living situation, and of course our marriage, but me.
I feel that God is telling me to tell "My Story", to let her out. The person inside who is trying to break free... who has broken free.
At one point in my life, I tried to forget who I was, where I came from. As I sit here today, I am honored to say that I am so thankful to have had such a strong heritage of christians in my family.
I know each generation has been full of its own heartaches and struggles, but each generation has given me the prayers and stories of faith to build the foundation that would someday lead me back to the path I call," My Journey".
This journey has been full of darkness, tears, and sometimes nightmares.But it also has been full of love, even when I couldn't see it, and message it brings.
For it is because of love that we have been given grace, and it is truly by the grace of God that I am who I am, and that I am Alive; not just this earthly shell, but I whom the creator of all things loveingly and thoughtfully knit me together am Alive, and shall live forever with my Redeemer!
I feel that God is telling me to tell "My Story", to let her out. The person inside who is trying to break free... who has broken free.
At one point in my life, I tried to forget who I was, where I came from. As I sit here today, I am honored to say that I am so thankful to have had such a strong heritage of christians in my family.
I know each generation has been full of its own heartaches and struggles, but each generation has given me the prayers and stories of faith to build the foundation that would someday lead me back to the path I call," My Journey".
This journey has been full of darkness, tears, and sometimes nightmares.But it also has been full of love, even when I couldn't see it, and message it brings.
For it is because of love that we have been given grace, and it is truly by the grace of God that I am who I am, and that I am Alive; not just this earthly shell, but I whom the creator of all things loveingly and thoughtfully knit me together am Alive, and shall live forever with my Redeemer!
My Prayer
This prayer was dated March 4 of this year.It will mark the begining of my thoughts. I may go back to my journal periodically if there is something that pertains to my subject at the moment. but for the most part, my entries will be current and move forward.
March 4, 2011
Thank you God for your faithfullness. For never giving up on me. I desire nothing of myself, but to be who you intended me to be.
Help me Lord, to submit to your gentle nudging. I know you have a plan for my life, and who I am going to be. When I throw myself completly into your arms ,the shadows of my heart flee as your spirit shines through me.
As the sailors of old were drawn to the stars, let me be a star for you, showing others the way to you.
I know I can do nothing without your blessing, for through you comes everything,everytime.Please bless me, so I may live for you. Show me where to go, what to do. Let me hear your directions so clearly, I can not help but to praise you Father God!
In the matchless name of my savior, Jesus the Christ, the holy son of God,
I pray, Amen
March 4, 2011
Thank you God for your faithfullness. For never giving up on me. I desire nothing of myself, but to be who you intended me to be.
Help me Lord, to submit to your gentle nudging. I know you have a plan for my life, and who I am going to be. When I throw myself completly into your arms ,the shadows of my heart flee as your spirit shines through me.
As the sailors of old were drawn to the stars, let me be a star for you, showing others the way to you.
I know I can do nothing without your blessing, for through you comes everything,everytime.Please bless me, so I may live for you. Show me where to go, what to do. Let me hear your directions so clearly, I can not help but to praise you Father God!
In the matchless name of my savior, Jesus the Christ, the holy son of God,
I pray, Amen
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