Do I ?

I was asked once," How did you come to that point?" Refering to a passage in the poem I wrote called," my story". the passage reads, now I wholly surrender and am freely broken.
the answer to that question is simply two words. Trust and Faith. Do I trust my God? Do I have the faith He intended me to have?
 To say yes would be a no-brainer. But I am searching deep here... Do I trust Him with my marriage, to be the one who makes the decisions? Do I trust Him with my Children? As hard as it is for me to say it, I know they are not mine, but His given to me to raise for Him. Do I trust HIm with my heart? Not just the one on the surface, during happy times. But the part of my heart that I have boarded up, built a brick wall around,and have tried with all that I am to forget about because even the painful aknowledgement that it exists takes my breath away.
What is Trust then? We throw that word around every day, but what does it mean?
Trust is the trait of believing in the honesty and reliability of others: complete confidence.
If I can't trust Christ with all of these areas of my life, than I am saying that I know better He, who holds the whole world in His hands.
How do you find trust, though, when nothing has ever been how it was supposed to be, and that heavy ache has become a constant companion, even to the point that those closest to you can't even see through the mask you made ?
You have Faith ! Faith is more that just believing, it is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we can not see. Heb 11
Through faith my relationship with my reedmer has grown, and will grow even more.
In times when the darkness around me was so great that I couldn't even see my hand in front of my own face, and my faith was hard to find; At these times of lonliness, I cried out through the pain, and prayed  that God would give me the kind of faith that He intended me to have, when He created me.
I yearned for the relationship that He wanted, and if  I had to go through hardships and trials to get there, I just said," tho you slay me, yet will I trust in you".
I now envision standing at a cliff high in the mountains, with my toes right on the edge... then slowly relaxing to the point of allowing myself to fall forward. I am free of all fear, all worry,all control,and I have the freedom to just let go, and soar on His breathe.